Amongst them: a student who says he "might be bad in bed," a PE teacher who hates kids, a girl who thinks she looks like ?a baked potato,' an albino, and several mistaken individuals who think they look the spit of Sylvester Stallone, Demi Moore and Justin Timberlake. Newsflash: they don't.

The 16 contestants have barely gone into a house on the other side of the world and I'm already interested. Is that lame? No. Well yes, a bit. But it's also human nature.

Which got me to thinking. As well as the annual 13-week summer extravaganza which is British Big Brother, the powers that be on UK TV throw a celebrity edition in the mix once in a while. It's run five times between 2001 and 2007 and featured such stellar celebs as Pete Burns, Jackie Stallone, Dennis Rodman, Jermaine Jackson, Michael Barrymore.

So if money and availability were no object, who would be the ideal contestants for a Celebrity Big Brother? You'd need the right blend of the dramatic, the kooky, the divas and the demented to make perfect TV watching - like the Colonel's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.

Mariah Carey. Mimi herself would be fabulous television fodder. I've never been a Mariah Carey fan. I would rather hack off my own ears with a rusty blade than have to listen to her albums over and over. Her five octave range is five octaves of unadulterated unpleasantness for me.

You get the message! But from a celebrity perspective, no one compares to Mariah. The 39-year-old New Yorker is literally larger than life - from her obsessions with puppies, butterflies and rainbows to her obsession with high heels, sunglasses at night, and having staff to bend a drink's straw at just the right angle so she doesn't have to move her head.

With more poses than a Venezuelan beauty queen, Mariah loves clothes and her creature comforts. She will never wear flat shoes, and she has to be photographed just-so. Throw her new husband Nick Cannon in the mix to watch the newlyweds' dynamic at work - it'll either be too addictive for words or totally nausea-inducing.

Expected quote: "I just don't see why we can't have a Hello Kitty room like I do at home."

Paris Hilton. A necessary evil in a reality show, and guaranteed to pull in the viewers. Well practiced in the art of publicity, it'd be great to see if Paris could keep up her public front with cameras on her 24/7.

Would we get the demure socialite, the dumb blonde who 'acts stupid' for the public (ha!), the so-called career woman or the skanky ho that you'd see as the cameras rolled? After all, that's when Paris performs best.

Imagine! Weeks of seeing her check herself out, check out anyone with a wanger, and preening and posing to her heart's content. It be a fight to the death between Paris and Mariah as to who'd rule the roost, and the spotlight, in the house. There can be only one. I'll back Mariah. She's got some weight behind her and could snap Paris like a bread stick.

We may once and for all find out how wonky that wonky eye is really? And would she infect everyone who comes within close proximity with her unique strain of cooties?

Expected quote: "Anyone wanna make a sex tape?"

Lindsay Lohan. As above. Paris and Lindsay have veered between bestest buds and mortal enemies during their years in the spotlight, mostly because they're scarily similar.

Although Lindsay is more talented she looks twenty years older, has a history of drug and alcohol problems, and now a rumoured lesbian relationship with her best mate. Baggage aplenty, and odds on to be the most likely housemate to flash their bits and pieces 'accidentally' to the camera.

Expected quote: "Whoops, there are my lady bits again."

Gwyneth Paltrow. Not an intriguing celeb per se, but could make for good viewing. Born into privilege, Gwyneth lives a serene existence in leafy North London with husband Chris Martin and their two kids. What could make her interesting is seeing Paltrow's reaction to having no massages, yoga, or organic food on hand. Can a Hollywood star survive on less-than-Hollywood provisions?

Expected quote: "Got any organic green tea hand picked by virgins and pre chewed by sacred Chinese pandas?"

Marilyn Manson. The anti-Mariah, it'd be interesting to see this past-it rocker warts-and-all on screen to suss out just how much of his ?scary' persona is a sham. Most if it, I've heard. And I do wonder just how he would face up without the makeup. Word is he is super-intelligent and very serious, so the Mimi-cheese and the fluff of the world's Paris Hiltons and the like would in all probability drive him crazy.

Expected quote: "Ooh, I could do with a glass of chicken blood, me. I'm scary, you know."

There's my core candidates for the ultimate Celebrity Big Brother. Who would you throw in the mix? Let me know below.