I don't know what else to tell you about this whole circus, as every week's the same. Here's the rundown. New Weekly; Brad and Angie putting the final touches on preparing to marry in France in a 'secret wedding'. Obviously not so secret, as an Aussie gossip rag has managed to find out. Cue up to date birthing palaver - that is, if those kids aren't already born.

Woman's Day: I'm pretty sure they've photoshopped Angie's dress to tone in with their cover. It's the spit of a green dress she wore at Cannes, but suddenly it's purple. They boast pretty much just snippets from her interview with a US magazine, which you may well have already read if you peruse the online gossip blogs. New Idea basically has the same story, but with the dress in green, so don't double up.

Jennifer Aniston wrestles some of the headlines away from the Brangelina powerhouse and takes the Woman's Day cover this week, with ?Jen's rush to the altar.'

John Mayer has met Courteney Cox Arquette, the Aniston gatekeeper, and after CCA apparently comes love, marriage and the baby carriage. Cue canoodling, throwing caution to the wind etc.

Apparently they're thinking of moving in together and looking for Malibu homes in the ?$13-$26 million' range. Geez, is that all? And how has John Mayer made so much money out of his limp music? This saddens me.

Word is Jen's been gushing that "John's the cutest guy she's ever gone out with - even better looking than Brad."

Now I'm no Brad Pitt fan but I would have to disagree. You?

Ah, the downside of having no junk in your trunk. NW reports that Victoria Beckham has had to haul her skinny ass to basketball games with husband David, after he's been snapped more than once checking out the curvy backsides of some American cheerleaders.

"To ensure all dribbling remained on the court," says the mag. Very clever.

More concerning than David's wandering eye - is Victoria wearing lime green jeans??

In other courtside ogling, Antonio Banderas is busted in the front of the Day perving at Cameron Diaz. I would totally let him. Encourage him even.

Apparently the Latin lothario's eye for the ladies is no surprise to wife Melanie Griffith, who nicked him of his first wife. Hell, she even took a $25 a day job on The Legend of Zorro in order to keep an eye on him.

New photos of Britney and her boys are out, and everyone concerned looks happy. Good news. Could a new boyfriend behind Britney's new sunny outlook? Word is she's dating Hollywood agent Jason Trawick, the guy snapped with her on Mel Gibson' Costa Rican spread a couple of weeks ago. He's not too shabby, but can I just say how much I loathe the suit jacket with jeans look? What are ya fella, on Beverly Hills 90210?

Her hair's still looking nasty, but one step at a time, Brit.

In the name of all that is good and holy! Woman's Day takes a look back down memory lane with He Of The Thin Lips, and finds some photos too hideous to contemplate.

He should be had up on crimes against hair! Is there a court for such things? Any jury in the land would convict, and I'll lay the charges. I mean, I know everyone has had a bad hairdo in their time, but for the love of Pete.

There's the Bill Idol bleached mullet, the combed-back sides, the neck warmer, the long dyed lady locks, and the ultra-blonde dye job. If anyone ever deserved to go bald, it is Keith Urban. My eyes have been soiled.

I like the New Idea's new layout, but their cover story about John Aiken and newsreader Kelly Swanson-Roe doesn't really set the gossip world on fire. Less so when the headline declaration about the pair ?having babies' actually ends up meaning "they might start trying in the next two years." Wow. The toothy twosome are moving across the Tasman to pursue bigger and better career opportunities. Oooh, I like her engagement ring!

Ah, bless! New Zealand sport's golden couple have a new baby and the trio grace the front of the Woman's Weekly this week. Jeff and Adine Wilson talk about life with new son Harper.  

George Clooney's ex Sarah Larson is trying to spread the word that she dumped him and not the other way around. Yeah right. The cocktail waitress with a hankering for fame dumped the mega-rich, good looking Hollywood superstar? Pish.

Did you recoil in horror-slash-surprise as much as I did when you read the news that Clay Aiken was having a baby? I know! And I'm pretty sure he is too! Nevertheless, he has artificially inseminated a 50-year-old friend of his and the baby is due later this year.

"Clay is 100 per cent gay," a former boyfriend reveals to New Idea. "He refuses to come out of the closet because he fears it will alienate his fans." Er, Clay, chill out. I don't think it'll be as much of a shock to us all as you imagine it will.

Apparently Tom and Katie's body language shows that ?he's in charge,' New Idea reports. Wow, I'm surprised with that assessment. She always seems so independent and he seems so relaxed and non-domineering.

Ugh, do they still make Desperate Housewives? I don't know anyone that watches that trash. Like I want to see Eva Long-whoria Parker in my leisure time. Anyway, if you do like the show you can see star Andrea Bowen (who plays Julie Mayer) in the New Idea in a photo shoot at home in LA.

The Weekly has a story this week entitled ?The Princess Brides.' No, not everyone's favourite eighties movie but the report in the Weekly on who'll be next down the aisle in royal circles - Kate ?Waity Katy' Middleton, Chelsy ?Absolut' Davey, or Zara Phillips. My money's on Zara and footy player boyfriend Mike Tindall, who is actually in Auckland this week with the English rugby team.

I do love that the Queen has told Kate Middleton to get a job before she thinks about walking down the aisle with William! It's like they're all on Jerry Springer.

I still don't believe that Reese and Jake are a couple, despite the declarations of a wedding in the works in the Weekly. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Forget Miley Cyrus and those girls from High School Musical. Keep an eye on Assisi and Amba Jackson to be the new breed of celebrity hellraisers. Assisi (15) and Amba (12) are the daughters of Jade Jagger, and NW gleefully reports on thow the trio live more like mates than a mother and her daughters.

Assisi, Amba and Jade wear each others clothes (the higher hemline the better), party most hearty together and word is the girls were spotted necking vodka cocktails at a London nightclub with their mother on a schoolnight. Check this picture out, and you would not believe that is a 12 year old.

Say it ain't so! NW reports that Kim Kardashian has had lipo on her famous ass after so called friend Paris Hilton called it a "cottage cheese" butt. I hope not! And what would Bruce say? I guarantee he doesn't know.

And that's all from the mags this week!