They fling about words like ?confused' and ?unsteady,' seemingly appropriate adjectives for someone who's agreed to spend their lifetime with Mr Cruise. Blind spots, collapsing, weight loss - Mrs Cruise doesn't seem to be in a good way.

Her desire to keep up with mile a minute Tom is "taking its toll, mentally and physically," the mag reports. Katie's extreme diet and exercise regime, employed with such zeal since ?Tom likes skinny women,' is also taking its toll.

I love it when guys with a burgeoning belly lay down the law on a woman's weight, don't you?

More intriguingly the mag reports that Tom disappears for days at a time, telling his wife ?You can be with me, but don't ask about it.' What on earth could Tommy Girl be up to away from his wife and daughter? And do Isabella and Connor even get a look in these days, between Suri, Dad doing a runner and the Kidman-Urban baby bump?

Relax, guys. Angelina Jolie isn't superhuman after all. Angie is finding pregnancy the second time round a bit more taxing what with oedema - a fluidbuild up causing swelling in her feet - and gestational diabetes.

Word is she's letting Maddox name one of the unborn babies if it's a girl. What would a six year old know? God forbid if my mother had let me name the kids that came after me at the age of six. She would have ended with My Little Pony, Toffee Apple and Barbie. Or possibly He-Man for a boy.

Mad is gunning for Mallory. Family Ties flashback!

Woman's Day has snapped the first published pics of newsreader Bernadine Oliver-Kerby and her baby daughter. I'm quite surprised Bernie hadn't yet flogged pictures of her new baby Maisey to the women's mags. Many would have. Bernie, come back to the gossip fold soon. I really want to use the headline ?Weekend At Bernie's'.

Does anyone else think the photos Delta Goodrem and Brian McFadden's big days out always look very staged? How on earth would the Sydney paps just know that she and the ex-Westlife crooner would be at the zoo with his daughters just hours after they land in the country? Cue perfect makeup, some kissy kissy, and ?spontaneous' photos with koalas and wombats. See them in the Weekly.

I know supermodels have a head start on the rest of us when it comes to the genetic lucky dip, but could Cindy Crawford's family look any more perfect? Cindy, husband Rande and kids Presley and Kaia look like they've been snipped out of the pages of a book. Perfect Family Life for Dummies. And Presley's hair colour is just to die for. Check them out at a Hollywood fundraiser in the back of the Weekly.

Nicole Kidman is snapped working out with her shirt pulled up and an unobstructed few of her teeny weeny baby belly. Meanwhile, the Day reports that Mr Kidman's touring partner, Carrie Underwood, has more than a passing admiration for He Of The Thin Lips.

Word is they've "bonded over Chinese food, Lost and Patsy Cline."

Storm in a teacup, or should Nicole be worried?

The Weekly has opted for Nic on their cover, with ?Nicole's Fears For Baby' being the angle trumpeted out. They say she's ?terrified of losing' her unborn child. Call me naïve, but if that's the case for an expectant mother who's suffered miscarriages in the past, wouldn't you ease up on the exercise a bit? And she's no spring chicken either, at the age of 40 being what doctors classify as a ?geriatric mother.' And that's not me being bitchy! That's the official medical term.

They've snapped photos of Rachel Hunter looking less than perfect exiting an Auckland dairy. I say go Rachel! If you get glammed up to run in for some Fresh Up there is something really wrong with you. Go free ladies! Leave that hair mussed, accentuate those panda eyes, and don those stretchy pants. Just put on a bra please. I don't want to see your chi-chis swinging when I amble up the road to get my chocolate Primo.

Why is Rumer Willis suddenly getting so many column inches? I know she's a wannabe Hollywood star, but she hasn't actually done anything yet. And no, a friendship with Lindsay Lohan doesn't count. Check it out in the Day, where's she's snapped eating while smoking, which is beyond gross.

Watch out, Winona's about! The Day reports that Winona Ryder has been busted once more shoplifting, allegedly pinching cosmetics from a Hollywood pharmacy. Her excuse when stopped by security was "I don't know how that happened." And the dog ate her homework, I bet. The original Wino has such light fingers! She should have been a piano player.

Patricia Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond has never been ashamed of sharing the details of her plastic surgery, which includes a tummy tuck after giving birth to four sons. But the NW and the Day have pics of Pat in a bikini in Hawaii, and her tummy button seems to have disappeared! This is not good. Where does her lint collect?

Where the bloody hell are you? Planning a wedding, that's where. Model and sportsman accessory Lara Bingle and Aussie cricketer Michael Clarke are engaged, and she's sporting a huge piece of ice. So big, in fact, that word is Clarkie had trouble getting insurance for the 4.7 carat diamond to take it to New York, where he proposed to the 20-year-old.

New Idea has already dubbed them ?Australia's Posh and Becks.' What about old Lleyton and Bec, or has their flavour of the month status passed already? Lara and Mick are younger, blonder, and better looking than the tennis pro and his Home and Away star missus.

Is Madonna the new Catwoman, the New Idea muses. Strange, that's not the first time I've read someone comparing our Madge to Joceleyne Wildenstein, the woman possibly boasting the worst plastic surgery in the world. I think Madonna looks great! Assisted by artificial means, but great nonetheless.

Rod Stewart has launched a line of underwear, the New Idea reports. Anyone fancy a leopard skin thong? For their Dad? Me neither.

I'll leave you with this gem from the Paris Hilton school of geography.

"I love Africa in general - South Africa and West Africa. They are both great countries."

And that's all from the mags this week!